- This is your main living space cum dining area,
which as you can see boasts original period features
like these distressed wooden beams,
mismatched lighting fixtures.
- It's a bit pokey, innit?
- It is cozy, yes and flexible,
wear-mum? warm.
- One at a time probably. - Yeah, exactly.
So through here is your master bedroom.
- Bagsy that one!
- The slave doesn't get the master bedroom, Grumio,
that goes to the master famously.
- So where's the slave bedroom?
- Oh, there's a handy cupboard here, look,
if you can sleep standing up. - What, like a fucking owl?
- Stop moaning, we're being evicted,
we can't afford to be fussy.
- If you're not feehngitlads,
I can see what else is out there, but at 350 a week,
this is a terrific option for your budget.
- There's ants in the cupboard.
- The landlord might accept 340.
- Is that mouse shit? - Or even 335.
- Oh rats, there's a rat!
There's a great bastard rat in here!
- Argh! (loud thudding)
(WWW)
- Maybe we can be a bit fussy.
# Yeah, when in Rome #
# Do as the Romans do #
# Far from home #
# All I got is you #
- ls there any way we can have more time?
Amazingly it turns out
you're not the worst landlord in Rome.
- Oh, thank you, I am touched,
but if you're not out by next week,
I'll get an earful from Linda.
- Linda, who's Linda? - You know, Linda,
makes her own honey, sells it down the Farmer's Market.
- Oh yeah, I've enjoyed her samples.
- As have I in all senses
and new she's keen to move in with me.
- So what's that got to do with us?
- Well, I'm slightly less keen, so we're compromising,
she's moving in upstairs as in your place.
- So we're being evicted,
'cause you've got commitment issues?
- Pretty much, yeah,
I mean, I'll lend you my storage unit,
so you can start moving your crap out.
- So what do we do if we can't find anywhere we wanna rent?
- I guess find somewhere you wanna buy, that's what I did.
MW»
- I mean, he is right annoyingly,
renting is a mug's game,
things would be way less shit,
if we just get on the property ladder.
- Yeah, well, we can barely afford an actual ladder.
- I know, but okay, look, my parents are coming this weekend
and they've definitely got some savings
put aside for a rainy day.
- Why would they give 'em to you?
It's not even raining. - Because they love me
and because I know how to manipulate them.
- Right, and I'll go and see that estate agent geezer
and see if he's got any new rentals
just for when that don't work.
- Oh, it'll work, mate,
I'll pull their strings like a couple of puppets,
divide and rule and if it doesn't,
I'll just throw one of my mega tantrums.
- That'll make for a cracking weekend, I can't bloody wait.
(cheerful ska music)
- This one just in, modern conversion on at 300 a week.
- Ooh, I like the arty red walls.
- I know, funky, right?
I should say it did used to be an abattoir.
- Okay, I've stopped liking 'em now.
What else you got?
- Try this one, historic stone building,
bit of a fixer upper, amazing skylight, 360 degree views.
- Is this a ruin?
- Technically, yes, it is, were you looking for more--
- Walls and a roof, yeah.
Come on, mate, help me out,
surely you've got a few plush pads
tucked aw ay 'm your back posh?
- Well, I do have more sought after properties, yeah.
- [Jason] Nice.
- For more sought after clients though,
landlords are looking for professional couples these days.
- We're professional, me and Marcus are well profesh
and we can pretend to be a couple within reason,
kissing is fine.
- And they don't want slaves either,
lowers the tone apparently.
- Grumicfs not a slave, he's basically a dog.
- Or dogs.
- Not a dog then, like a hamster.
- Nice try, you're a bit of a smooth talker, aren't you?
- Hey, I'm smooth all over, you should feel my tush.
- Hm, have you ever considered becoming an estate agent?
(cheerful ska music)
- Journey was a nightmare, stuck in traffic: the whole way.
- Only because he refused to pay for the toll road.
- I am not shelling out on a road, Sylvia,
I don't care how straight it is.
- Quite right, Dad, you keep your money for important stuff.
- Like taking you out for dinner,
if there's anywhere you've got in mind.
- All-you-can-eat Chinese. - Oh, great,
do we need to book? - Already done it.
- Oh, that'll be such a blessing, we've not been able
to eat properly for a while now, money wise--
- And we're gonna see this wine bar of yours as well.
- Of course, Mum, I was just saying, cost of living--
- And I'm gonna buy a boat.
- Sorry, a what, a boat?
- Yep, there's one in town I've got my beady little eye on.
- Yeah, he's blowing our savings on it.
- Not all of your savings surely?
- Well, it's a bloody big boat.
(cheerful ska music)
It's a gaff-rigged, two-berth, Iapstrake frigate.
- Well, I don't know what any of that means, Lepi,
but it sounds wicked.
- Sounds more like a midlife crisis to me.
- I think it's incredible. - Thank you, Marcus.
- Incredible that your generation
can enjoy the luxuries of gaff-rig pleasure cruisers,
while mine scrabbles around to survive.
- Scrabbles, you're not scrabbling, are you?
- Course he's not scrabbling.
- I am actually, I am scrabbling,
we're being evicted this week.
- Oh no, what have you done now?
- I committed the crime of being young in Rome.
We're putting our stuff into storage?
And then we're out on the streets.
- You're gonna be homeless?
- Yep, sort of, I mean, not literally on the streets, no,
but we will have to move to a slightly worse area
and a signifuzantly smaller flat.
- So, a lot easier to clean.
- And we'll still be at the mercy
of violent, bloodsucking landlords,
I honestly don't know how I'm gonna cope, Mum.
- Oh, Marcus, you poor little love.
Well, you could always come home with us.
- Yeah, no, I meant I don't know how I'm gonna cope
whilst staying in the city.
I guess maybe, is this a crazy idea?
- What, what is it?
- He wants you to buy him a flat.
- Or house, depending on the budget.
- You're a hoot, you are, son!
{mm
Renting is not that bad, you drama queen.
Now I need a drink, let's see this swanky wine bar,
that you own.
(cheerful ska music)
- Everyone meet Jason. - Hi.
- The newest member of our lettings team.
Can we have the keys to 2O Arcadia Villas, please, Verity.
- Yes, of course. - Oh, right,
am I starting right away?
Do I not need training? - Can you unlock a door
and lead people through it?
- I think so. - Then you're good to go.
- Sweet, oh, can I ask, do I get a free flat with the job?
It's just that when I worked at the wine bar,
I got free wine, so.
- No, you don't get a free flat,
but use that smooth tongue of yours and rack up commissions,
you'll soon be able to afford an extremely sick pad.
He'll need a clipboard and the hair gel too, please Verity.
- Oh, yeah.
(cheerful ska music)
- You see, it's really not swanky at all,
it's more of a dive.
- Oh, it looks like a perfectly good bar to me.
- What a fascinating smell.
- It used to be a toilet.
- Still is basically,
hence why we hardly ever get any customers.
- Welcome, care for a glass of vino, Mr. Gallo?
- Oh, yes. - And one for you, madam,
sorry, are you Marcus' mother or sister?
- Oh, silly.
What charming staff you have, Marcus.
- Mums love me, you must be so proud of how well he's doing.
- [Lepidus and Sylvia] Oh, we are.
- Well, you shouldn't be, 'cause I'm not doing well at all,
you should be ashamed and/or concerned.
- To Marcus and his cushy life.
- To Marcus.
- That's coming out of your wages.
- You want me to do what, sorry?
- Beat me up lightly.
- Great, come on then.
- Not now though, later in front of my parents
and say I owe you rent.
- Yeah, but for once you don't owe me rent.
- So okay, lie, that shouldn't be too difficult for you
and then hit me a bit, not in the face ideally.
- Oh, see, that was the main draw for me though.
- Okay, well, a little in the face and maybe two in the gut.
- Two in the face, one in the gut and you've got a deal.
- Alright, fine. - Lovely,
and thanks so much for thinking of me for this.
(cheerful ska music)
- Oh, I can't wait, you and me out on the open sea,
dolphins razzing by, no one asking me
why I've not put up those shelves or taken the bins out.
- No one telling me to stop eating nuts or guffing.
- Oh, that's what ships are for,
every deck can be the poop deck.
Oh, you guff away, Grumio, or should I say, First Mate?
- Aye, aye, Captain.
- We're gonna make a hell of a team.
- Yeah, I am now stuck by the way.
'WWII
- Yeah, it's a cracking property,
it's got all the walls, floors and that, doors,
very soft beds and dry crucially.
Lovely view here, look and that does come with the flat.
Two bedrooms, so an extra room to put all your crap in
or put a baby in, if you decide to have kids,
I mean, you're both so hot, it'd be rude not to, oh.
- And there's no restriction on the all-you-can-eat element?
- No, no, no, they don't fuck about like that, the Chinese.
- Ooh. - Hey, hey, where you going?
It's down this way, I can smell it.
- This is a shortcut.
Game
- There you are, you jizz hound!
- Oh no, please!
- Marcus, what's going on?
- You owe me rent, where is it?
- Bloody hell, calm down, Landlord.
- I don't have it, I'm sorry!
- You will be!
- Let go of my son or I will fucking kill you!
- Oh, is that a blade, has your Mum got a blade?
- Yeah, Mum, put the knife down!
- Let him go right now!
- Whoa, easy, darling, I was just messing,
he told me to do it, I didn't sign up for this, Marcus.
Sorry, Mrs. (3., I hope you enjoy your visit.
- Thank you.
- So that's why you brought us this way?
You shady, shady bastard.
- Dinner then?
(cheerful ska music)
- (yawning) But yeah, it is a banger, this one,
available now, vacant, has been for three months,
whoa, imagine that,
sweet pad like this just sat here empty.
(cheerful ska music)
Ah!
Hum.
- Sorry, that was bad of me.
- Yes, it was, you should be ashamed of yourself.
- Well, you can talk, you ran away.
- No, I was looking for help.
- What, behind a cart?
- And if I'd known you were carrying
a bloody great sword in your handbag, Sylvia,
I would've stayed put.
- Well, someone has to be ready to protect our family.
- Only from people Marcus has hired.
- Yes, thank you, Grumio, shut up and eat your spring rolls
and I only did that, because I'm desperate.
- In what way are you desperate?
- I'm desperate to get on the property ladder,
so I can stop throwing money away on rent.
- Well, it's a sort of desperation.
- But I can't do that,
because you're spunking all our savings
on some floating penis extension.
- What do you mean our savings?
- He's done 4O years hard graft on the farm, mate,
if he wants a penis boat, let him have one.
- It's not hard graft, he's mainly just sitting around
waiting for plants to grow.
- He's right, the money should go to Marcus.
- Thanks, Mum, you're the best.
- No, no way. - Ooh, I am sick to death
of you putting yourself first, Lepidus.
.WW fig?
He's manipulating you.
- I am not. - He is not.
- Mum and I just have a special bond, that's all
and you don't understand. - Exactly,
he's my baby boy, Lepidus and I say he needs his own flat
more than you need your dinghy.
- It's a gaff-rigged, two-berth Iapstrake frigate
and if I can't have it, Sylvia, by Jove, it's over!
- Well then I guess it's over!
- Well, hang on. - Fine, come on, Grumio.
- We're not leaving now, are we?
I'm only on me third plate.
- No, we're just moving tables.
(cheerful ska music)
- Sorry, you're an estate agent new?
That wasn't quite the plan when you set off yesterday.
- I know, it's my dream job,
I mooch around a sweet pad chatting shit
and at the end of the day, I get to sleep in it.
- Hm, you get to sleep in it or you illegally sleep in it?
- Yeah, that one.
Hey, I could ask Magnus if he's got a job going for ya.
- No need, my parents are buying me a flat.
., Mm!
The old divide and rule worked then?
- It worked, a bit too well if anything,
they kind of split up.
- Oh shit, that sucks.
- Yeah, but I do get my own flat,
so on balance I think it's probably worth it.
- Speaking as an estate agent, I can assure you it is.
- [Marcus] Huh.
(cheerful ska music)
- [Lepidus] Morning, Grumio.
- Alright, Lepi.
Turns out I can sleep standing up after all.
Did you manage to get some shut eye?
- Oh, just about, used a sack of onions for a pillow.
I dreamt I was sailing on my boat,
then I woke up and remembered
some little bastard had sunk it.
- I'm sorry your son's such a massive bell end.
- To be honest, Grumio, I think I was just trying
to put miles of water between me and Sylvia,
finally get some peace,
now we've split up, I can get that anyway.
- Totally, I'm mainly pumped about shaking off Marcus,
I mean, he'll never let me eat raw onions for example.
- Well, there you go, we can do what we want now, son,
(arm
I can leave my clothes lying around, drink before noon,
pick the dead skin off my feet, yeah, all the fun stuff.
- Cheers to that. - Hm.
(cheerful ska music)
'Warm, =
- Morning, all.
- Ah, here he is,
all hail King Jason!
(staff applauding)
Do the honors, Verity. - Ah-huh.
- Oh, cool, thanks. - Woo!
- And why am I King, please?
- It's just a little thing we do,
when someone rents their first flat,
a couple came in just now and took Arcadia Villas.
- Oh, no way. - Yeah.
- Wicked, I'm so pleased.
- They said you were great, you'll be surprised to hear
that praise for an estate agent is actually pretty rare.
- Hm, so I can't go back there?
- Not unless you're moving in with them.
So hand over those keys.
- But I mean, where do I go now?
- You go to a new property and rent that out,
that's how the job works.
- Oh, okay, fine,
so actually can I try a swankier pad this time,
you know, for the challenge?
- Ambitious, love it, course you can.
- Maybe with a wet room and a balcony, south-facing ideally.
- You take your pick, I've got to run to a viewing,
Verity, show Jason the luxury range.
(cheerful ska music) - Here we go.
- Oh, now this is more like it
and with fewer rodents I notice.
“W Wm"
I mean, you can afford to buy for one thing.
- Mum came to the rescue.
- Oh, she's the best.
- Ah, good old Bank of Mum and Dad.
- Well, the money did come from us, yes,
but me and his Dad are actually
in the process of separating.
- Yeah, he doesn't need to know that.
- Good size second bedroom through here.
- Great, Grumio can finally wallow in his own den of filth.
- Or he can keep wallowing with you
and someone else can live here.
- What, like a ledger? - More like a mother.
- Ha, right, really?
But don't you already live somewhere?
- Well, I can't go back to the farm
now I've ditched that selfish git
and I'm young enough to start again.
- Well, that's debatable, but even so,
would you have to start again quite so close to me?
- Well, where else would I be than with my baby boy?
You said it yourself, we've got a special bond.
- Yeah, of course we do.
- Oh, it'll be heavenly, we can eat our meals together,
have a snuggle on the sofa, go out on double dates.
- Heavenly indeed.
I've got the paperwork here, if you want to sign?
- No, let's not with the paperwork quite yet.
(cheerful ska music)
You should buy the boat!
- Well, well, well, look whose come to poop on the party.
- I don't want a flat anymore, you should get back with Mum
and buy your frigging great frigate.
- You've changed your tune.
- I searched my heart
and saw that your needs were greater than mine.
- Bullshit. - Like cock.
- Alright, fine, Mum wants to move in with me
and snuggle on the sofa.
- Ha, sounds cozy, careful she doesn't smother you to death.
- So you'll do it, right?
Patch things up and take her home?
- No way, I'm living the dream here.
- What, drinking cherry wine in a storage unit?
- And eating onions.
- Enjoying our time upon the good ship, Do As We Please.
- Yeah.
- Which is technically a storage unit, yes.
= rename Bad,
don't throw 3O years of marriage overboard,
go and fight for her. - Fight for her?
I'm a selfish coward, Marcus, haven't you heard?
I've moved on, mate, I'm over her.
- But what about me?
Can't you stay together for the sake of the child?
- You've made your bed, son, now you've got to lie in it
with your mother.
(cheerful ska music)
- It is spacious, very airy.
- No, it's a lovely gaff, it really is, nicely kitted out,
I mean, on first viewings, you can't even tell.
- Tell what? - Hm, sorry?
- Sorry, no, you just said,
"On first viewing, you can't even tell."
- Did I? - Yes, you definitely did.
- Well, I shouldn't have, alright,
'cause I work on commission, you see, so naughty.
- I mean, we are new gonna need to know
what you mean by that.
- Okay, fine, someone died here
quite horribly and mysteriously, so everyone that moves in
is like oh, it's haunted and creepy.
It's probably bollocks though, yeah.
Should we go and see the cellar?
Woo!
Greed. Game
(cheerful ska music)
- It's called an Aurelius Special.
- Oh, gosh, it's very strong.
- Yeah.
- Sorry, Mum, I have to work late,
now my head barman's an estate agent,
so I can't go curtain shopping with you.
- Oh, don't worry, darling, Aurelius is taking me out,
once he's finished his shift.
- Oh, great, thanks, Aurelius.
Hang on, sorry, taking you out on a date?
- Well, I wasn't so bold as to specify.
- We'll just play it by ear. - No, we won't,
we won't play it by any part of the body, thank you.
- Excuse me, I am single for the first time
in over 3O years, Marcus
and I intend to make the most of it.
- That is not making the most of it,
he is the absolute least.
- You cannot tell me who I may or may not step out with,
Marcus, you are not the boss of me.
- Right, well, I am the boss of you,
so step out with my Mum and you are fired.
- Ah, no, I'm not, it's illegal to dismiss someone
for their sexual preferences. - What sexual preferences?
- Well, for Yummy Mummies.
- Oh, you think I'm a Yummy Mummy?
- I think you're an absolutely Scrummy Mummy.
- Oh, fuck's sake!
Mum, stay here where I can keep an eye on you then.
(cheerful ska music)
- [Sylvia] Cheers.
WWI)
- If this isn't living, I don't know what is.
(mam I)
- Salve, Grumio.
- Alright, Landlord.
- What's going on here then?
- We've put ourselves into storage.
- Right, well, I don't wanna evict you for a second time,
but Linda's now set for the move
and her honey-making gubbins need storing.
- That's alright, we can cope with some gubbins,
can't we, Captain? - Absolutely,
we're very adaptable.
- Well, suit yourselves.
(cheerful ska music)
(bees buzzing)
# Trash can living, trash can living #
# Trash can living by firelight #
# Trash can living, trash can living #
# Trash can living by firelight #
'Ah!
- Underfloor heating throughout,
his and hers vanity unit, plunge pool through here.
- Hey, Magnus, what are you doing here?
- Conducting a viewing, I wanted you to do it,
but you never came back to the office.
How come you're here and wet?
- I'm also conducting a viewing,
I was just demonstrating the plunge pool to my,
oh, where have my clients gone?
They must have just left, that's weird.
- That is weird, weird, I didn't see them when I came in,
I did see some others though,
who said you told them the place was haunted, it isn't.
- Well, it might be, you know,
just 'cause it's not in our brochure.
- Are you living here, Jason?
- No, not yet anyway, tonight will be my first night.
- No, it won't, you're fired,
hand over your keys and get out right now.
- Yeah, sure, just give me 2O mins to pack up my shit.
- Alright. - Excuse me.
(cheerful ska music)
This morning I was King Jason, now I'm Homeless Jason.
- Well, you can always crash at my place,
where I'll live with my mother
and possibly Aurelius, depending on how tonight goes.
- How did it come to this?
- Evening, traitor.
Quick glass of wine for the road, please.
- You're leaving, what happened to the storage unit?
- It's full of bees.
- We're headed back to the farm, live in peace up there.
Tell the old girl we said goodbye, won't you?
- Tell her yourself, she's just over there.
- What's she doing with your noncey barman?
- I think they're on a date actually.
- A date?
We only split up yesterday. - What do you care?
I thought you'd moved on.
- I know, I have.
(hushed chattering)
No, I haven't.
Get your sticky hands off her!
- Lepidus, what are you doing here?
- New, sir, she's a single woman, she can do whatever she--
(Wm I) (Nu!
- No, please, don't fight over me.
- Come on, Sylvia, let's continue our evening
away from this angry farmer.
- Stop touching my wife!
(crowd gasping in shock)
- Holy fuck, he stabbed me!
- Whoa, Dad, that's insane!
- Yes, love it, stab him again, Lepi.
- I've been a selfish old fool.
- Oh, Lepidus, I've been so hard on you.
- Don't ever change, I'm lost without you, Sylv.
(WWW)
- No, no, no, leave it in.
Mm»
(cheerful ska music)
( it» m)
- So we can stay? - Yeah,
Linda went right off the area,
after she witnessed that brutal stabbing.
- Ah, sorry about that. - Nah, you bailed me out,
things were moving too fast for me anyway.
- So your Pops did us all a favor.
- Well yeah, apart from Aurelius.
(moaning sexually)
- [Lepidus] Oh, Sylvia.
- I'm just chuffed them two are back together.
- I think I'll sleep in here tonight.
Sawed]
(cheerful ska music)
# I came, I saw, I conquered #
# Can I conquer you, yeah #
# Can I conquer, I gotta conquer #
# I need to conquer you, you, you #